Not the Person I Want to Be

So, I've been thinking a lot lately, that I'm not the person I want to be.



I don't want to be the "angry mom", you know the one. The one that talks meanly to her kids, in public, or at home. (and now I have a lovely by-product of that, my 3 year old, talking the same way back to me). Nice.



I'm not the friend I want to be. I don't want to be that one that never calls another back, or shys away from inviting people over or not following up on a conversation that needs to be followed up on. I'm terrible at that. Like listening to a friend reveal hurts or problems and then just letting it fall on deaf ears so to speak. I hear them, I just don't know what to do, or don't pick up and follow on it, cause it might be awkward. I'm so bad at calling people back, all people actually, cause I just plain forget.



I'm not the daughter I want to be. I don't want to be the ungrateful daughter. This gets me feeling so bad. I sorta want to be a reliable daughter to both my parents, but at the same time, I try to put distance between us. I don't want to help them, I'm tired of dealing with the head games and guilt of one, and the sheer silliness and thoughtlessness of the other. I just sound like a brat typing that. My husband is more caring and considerate of them both than I am. He told me that I try, in vain, to keep my distance from them, and its just not supposed to be.

I know that biblically speaking, I'm called rather commanded to honor them, and have a responsibility to them even as an adult. I know. I know.



I'm not the woman I want to be. Lately, people have been giving me this 'left handed compliment' that I'm "so refreshingly real and open--there's no guessing what I'm thinking--low maintenance". That to me just reads that I speak my mind too often, and I truly don't think that's good, or I'm that person who just has no filter. I don't like that about myself. I thought I had been doing good at not letting my emotions wear on my sleeve, but apparently, I have not altered that attribute much, if at all.



I'm not the physical woman I want to be either. Its been a year since baby B was born, and ugh, gross. That's all I have to say about that. I won't complain too much, I haven't done a blessed thing about it.

I do want to be what God wants me to be. I do want to remove my fleshly desires and selfishness and dive in to His love and be obedient. I want to rely on Him to fill me with His love so I can be all that He wants me to be. I get in my own way, often. I feel like all those things that I am that I don't want to be, stem from my own selfishness. I yell at my kids cause they're not doing what I want them to. I get annoyed at my parents cause they're interrupting my life (but duh Kate, they are apart of your life). I'm a bad friend cause I'm too worried about how I'm perceived to focus on being real and encouraging.

Ah, God is cleaning house in my heart right now, its a little painful and humbling to do, but I know His way is the best.

No Confidence

So, the month of March hasn't been kind to this family in the area of health. Both boys have had a stomach virus and now a bad cough and runny nose w/ fever. I keep asking myself, what am I supposed to learn in all of this. I think it is to love being at home. But I haven't learned that yet. I'm still stir crazy and yesterday drug out my poor sweet sicky B to pick up Q from school and then went to Chick-fil-a. It was a good thing I did, cause I ran into some bible study ladies. That was a nice surprise. Anywhoo...
B is scheduled for his eye surgery (if you can even call it that, I don't think there's any cutting involved)thing on Wednesday April 1st. I had to take him for some pre-admission testing today. I got there sorta on time, and signed in and 50min. later, got called back for his "testing".
The nurse looks at him and says, "Oh gosh, how are we going to weigh him?"
I shrug and tell her they usually have a baby scale. So she tears a peice of paper of the exam table and tells me to have him sit on the adult scale on the floor. I in turn ask if she wants him naked, with no diaper. (cause isn't how they normally weigh a little one?), she looked confused. She's like "I'm just filling in, the pediatric nurse practitioner will be in in a minute." But still she weighed him and took off 9oz for clothes and a diaper. Whatever.
Whatever, no! Isn't it important that they know how much he weighs for real? My confidence level of this hospital doing this thing, as minor as it is, is dwindling.
Then the real NP walks in. But only after the first one asked me how we're going to measure him. And I say, "well, they usually lay him on the table and mark the paper at his head and heal." "Oh, good idea." she replies.
Peds Nurse says, "I think she picked up the wrong chart..., then she fills me in on some of the details, after she tells me 'ear tubes are really no big deal'. I said, "NO, not ear tubes, eye probing..." Confidence further dwindling.
So, Peds nurse continues with the "testing" which consisted of her listening to his lungs and heart and half heartily pressing on his belly while I was holding him. Then she said, "This room doesn't have an ear light, so I won't check his ears. " ordinarily, I'd be fine with that, but he's been sick with a bad cold, and I sorta wanted to know what was going on in there. But whatever, I let it slide.
The first NP walked in with a tape measure, and measures the marks she made on the paper and declared them to be 28". I said, "No, that cannot be right. I know he was that long in January and I KNOW he's bigger than that." Sure enough she measure again, and it was 29.5". And I'm sure that its not important, but WTH people, do you have any idea what you're doing?
So after the "testing" is over, Peds nurse tells me that he can't eat or drink past midnight, but there's eceptions for babies this young...but still no milk after midnight, and I asked about breast milk knowing it doesn't qualify as milk. She looks at me dumbfounded and refers me to a paper of instructions which I already looked at and doesn't mention breast milk. She told me to ask the nurse who will call me the afternoon before the surgery. Further dwindling confidence that this place has no clue, and it makes me nervous.
I have several friends who used the same place for their babies minor things, like ear tubes. But, that's not making me feel any better. Heck, I had a surgery there and came out fine...
So, I came home and called the doctor who's doing the surgery to ask some questions and am waiting for a call back. I know its probably nothing, but its something I can't ignore.
So we shall see.

Eves Dropping

I was at Burger King today with my kiddos and was listening to the ladies behind me talk. One woman was married 24 years and announced that she "totally wanted to renew her wedding vows." She explained that she was young, 21 years old when they got married and that the wedding was more about the dress and flowers and booze afterward. But now, she and her guy had weathered so much, that the VOWS mean so much more to her now. How awesome. I think I'm PMS'ing, cause I get all weepy (and got weepy at BK too) thinking about how true that is. Scott and I have been married only 8.5 years but I feel the same way. Goodness, how different life is now and how different love is to me now. I love my man more today than ever. I can't imagine that as a 23 year old, I could even know how much more I would love him today. My husband is awesome, and I'm so blessed to be married to him! I praise God for putting us together and molding and shaping each of us into this marriage.

Ugh

So, for my birthday, both children were sick. This was B's first stomach bug and it sucked. He threw up Sunday, was fine for a day and a half (w/ no appetite though) and then would throw up again. Wednesday was the last time he threw up, but he was so whiny and pathetic all week. He must of felt like crap. Finally, Friday visions of my happy baby finally returned. I was still cautious though and only fed him dry stuff, crackers, cookies etc. He lost at least 2 lbs in the whole ordeal. And I lost my senses too. At one point he was so lethargic and couldn't keep his head up, I thought I was going to make a trip to the E.R. But he perked up and rallied.

By Thursday night, I wasn't sure if he was better or not, and my mommy brain couldn't stop the negative 'what ifs' that popped up. "What if its not a virus, and something more is wrong?" "What if he's super dehydrated, and I'm not realizing it?" I had to keep checking on him in the middle of the night. I always think, I'm the mommy and its my job to protect him and care for him. What if I'm missing something? I couldn't sleep, and finally, I had to have Scott pray for me. And I prayed too, for peace and his protection, and finally, I was reminded that God is sovereign and all this is in His hands. Really, there's not much more I can do but leave B in HIS hands and rest in God's peace. One of my fav verses "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything in prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to the Lord. And the peace that transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds." Philippians 4:6-7

Thankfully, by Saturday B was eating like a horse again and hopefully on the rebound. Although, last night he was up at 9 and 10pm screaming, and screaming loud enough to wake the dead. I couldn't figure him out. But he seems OK this morning.

Saturday night, I was awakened at 12am by a phone call, which scared the living daylights out of me. I didn't answer it, cause I didn't recognize the number. But it rattled me and I couldn't fall back asleep. My stomach was in knots, and I thought I was anxious about something, but by 4am, I knew it was more than nerves. The stomach bug had gotten me. Yuck! We had to cancel on B's dedication at church and Scott had the kids all day. I have to say, it sounded as though the kids were on their best behaviors for Scott, I heard no screaming and whining from them the whole day

(a little different from the crying that's going on right now from the youngest).

Friends of mine had their second baby on Friday, and it made me have baby fever for all but a day. I was then reminded when I had the stomach bug, how much nausea sucks and how debilitating it can be. Then with B up screaming last night, I really was reminded how hard it can be in the beginning and during the baby stage. Especially when they are sick or in discomfort and you don't know what's up. So, the baby fever has broke for a while!

Whew, I hope the sick season is over for a while. I haven't been to church in 3 weeks or been out of the house for more than a grocery store run and Q drop offs at preschool. I hope to be among the living this week, but we'll see.

Happy Birthday to ME

So, how does one appropriately celebrate one's birthday? With dual kiddie stomach viruses and one or two adult ones pending, that's how!

Kid Stuff

My littlest boy, B, is going to have his teensy, non-functioning tear ducts fixed! I'm glad he's finally going to have clear eyes (at least I pray the 'probing surgery' works and he doesn't have to do the next step), but I'm so sad for my baby to have to go under general anesthesia. At the eye doctor today , I told her his eyes actually looked good, and she replied, "That's not good, cause his eyes are bad." It freaks me out a little, only cause I remember coming out of anesthesia when I was 16 and feeling totally out of it, and cursing like a sailor and totally on defensive mode. Don't know why. I have no recollection of dreams or anything during the time I was out, just majorly pissed coming out of it. Friends of mine who have had their kids have surgeries this little, assure me that he'll be fine, but there's always that one friend of mine whose son almost died from a hospital mistake during a simple test. I'm the type to think of every angle of something, what ifs, and worst case scenarios. Yes, I drive myself crazy with this type of thing. I know that God has this under control though, so that gives me peace, if now only I could shut off that over-analyzing part of my brain.

Q woke up last night crying and didn't know why. After laying in bed with him for a while, he stated that his legs hurt. When I asked him where, he pointed to his shins. Is it too early for growing pains? Or could it be shin-splits from walking up hill while sledding yesterday?
It snowed on Sunday night, and we were left with maybe 4 inches of snow. Scott came home early because they closed his office and took him sledding for the first time. On the way over to the sledding hill, I kept telling Scott to not get his hopes up, because I didn't think Q would dig it. After all, during the last snow, I was pulling Q around on his sled and he freaked out if I went to fast, or went down the slope of our front yard. Scott kept saying, "He's going to love it". Well, Scott was right, he LOVED it. And he even went down by himself once. He did request that I go down the hill with him, and I did. At the top of the hill, I asked him if he liked sledding. He said yes, and I said, "Good, cause I don't." was my reply. I do not like sledding. I don't like being in the cold, and then being on a piece of plastic careening down a hill with little ability to steer. Yes, I don't like being out of control. (and I know I"m sort of a control freak).
That's about it from the home front.

Perspective and then some.

So God has been working in me more and more. Changing my heart in small ways, but I can see it and feel it in big ways. Most recently, He's changed my attitude toward Scott and him working so much. I know in this economy, Scott keeping his construction management job is a huge, huge blessing. His company has had 2 rounds of major layoffs in the past 6 months and he survived both. In the past three weeks, his company reassigned him to another job and two more jobs have opened up that were pending and unsure of whether or not building would take place. Well, now my dearest has more work than he can handle (talk about job security). Scott has been working longer hours ( I used to think 7am-6pm was long, but its longer now) and had to work Saturday to catch up from being sick 2 weeks ago. Previously, I would have been angry and given Scott the silent treatment or some sort of lecture that he should be home so his kids will know him...etc. But really, I'd be angry cause I thought he was doing it to piss me off of something. But praise God! I have had a huge change of heart. Not only because I know he could be one of the many laid off and not working, but because God has given me so much grace in my long days with the kids. My afternoons, when normally I get anxious and stir crazy, have gone smoothly. I can't explain it and give it justice, but I know God is doing this for me. And that God has changed my heart and not just given me the perspective. I know this for one reason: I can't even remember WHY I'd be mad at Scott for working late. I'm so MAD at myself for ever feeling that way, but I do remember feeling so justified for being mad when he was late, and now I can't even explain why I would be mad. (Yeah, I know I'm not making too much sense.)

A friend of mine said that I've made Scott less of a god to me by relying on God himself to provide help and support for me as a mom. This is so true. I totally did rely on Scott to fill my needs as a mommy, to relieve me from the kids or to have someone to complain to or commiserate with. But I've been praying a lot in my looong afternoons just for survival right now. By doing this, I've released Scott from his duty to come rescue me from my, what's the word, uh, afternoon crazy time (nothing funny or smart came to mind). So in this change I'm able now to stop being angry and start supporting my dear husband.

Now having written this long ramble, I realized that i have probably already written about this already. Well, consider this the expanded version.