I don't like roller coasters. I avoid them. In fact, I don't really love amusement parks, there are very few rides I enjoy. I'm thinking this is because I'm a control freak, and don't like the feeling of being out of control, at all. I also do not like sledding, fast boats (unless I'm water skiing behind one), motorcycles and when Scott decides to drive like a crazy person on an humpty dumpty road.
However, every time I've been to an amusement park, some friend of mine convinces me that a certain roller coaster isn't "that bad", and I will love it, and I succumb to the peer pressure and reluctantly get in line. When I first get in line, I'm having a fun time with my friend(s), and and enjoying my self, but as I get closer in line as it snakes around the turn styles and such, the panic and fear begins to overcome me. What on earth was I thinking? I hate roller coasters! Why am I doing this? And, if I bail out now, will I be laughed at? These all pass through my mind as I get closer and closer to my turn on the ride. I have come to the conclusion that my fear of looking like a wimp is greater than my fear of the dreaded roller coaster, because every time this has happened to me, I've gone through with it and gotten on the roller coaster. I wish I had video of my roller coaster response, because its awesome. And would win me a million dollars on America's Funniest Home Videos.
I'm not sure which is worse, the anxiety of the anticipation when getting on the ride, or that dreadful feeling of that clickety clackety ascend up the first hill, or that slow motion drop at the apex of the hill to the first dreadful descend. Ugh, thinking about it, makes me ill. And I can actually recall each and every one of the roller coasters I've been on, its flashing through my head as I type. I hate it.
Well, I'm having that type of feeling right now as I await my c-section on Thursday. I want to get out of line. Its not that I don't want this baby, or look forward to meeting him. But I am so anxiety filled about what the ascend and descend of what this roller coaster of mommy hood will bring me. Will I get to breathe that sigh of relief at the end and feel all proud of myself that I did it-- like it is when I get on a real roller coaster?! (Does that every come with parenthood, I don't think so). I'm scared. So scared. I know I don't have it in me to do it. But I'm in line for the roller coaster, and there's no getting out of line, I just have to get on and strap in and hold on to whoever is next to me, digging my nails into their arm as I make weird noises on the crazy drops and turns and loopy loops.
Some moments, I get overwhelmed in these thoughts of "I cannot do this". And in Kate fashion, I shut down and give up. Then Scott brings me a whopper jr and a smoothie and I'm back in the game for another day. Other times, which are amazing, when I get these terrible anxious feelings, I'm reminded of all that God is. My Helper, my refuge, my father, provider. And I remember all of how He as so recently taken care of me, the house, the move, and lots of other amazing gifts and things I've witnessed God do, and I think this thought. "I certainly cannot do this. I DON"T have it in me, BUT I have God as my strength and my all, and its not going to be easy and/or fun, but I will get through it. And if I trust Him and rely on Him, I'll not only get through it, but I'll actually bear fruit if I remain in HIM."
