Yes, a lobotomy. Where they scramble the frontal lobe of your brain in hopes to change your personality. Yes, that's what I want. Sorta. I get so sick of being a over thinking,grump. I'd love to turn off that part of my brain now, please. Or turn off that part of me thats just in such a fog and can't find the joy to choose it, to make myself feel like I'm in a lovely contented place in my life.
*sigh* Bleh, bleh bleh, whine whiney whine!
I just finished a week at VBS which was lots of fun for all of us. Today we had big plans to go fishing and enjoy time together. But the plans were soon turned into a work day at home, complete with a sanding and refinishing of the counter top. Boooring! (It was necessary to ditch the fun plans because the B is sick). But honestly, I'm struggling. Not because I'm not getting to do what I want, but just to rise above this heavy weight of funk that seems really hard to shake. It depends on the day, and the time of day sometimes, but it sucks and I want it gone. I think it maybe a food thing, like too much sugar. I spent the day yesterday over-indulging in junk and today it feels as if there is NO good in the world. Even when there is. Like how J just said to me, "I wuv you SOO much." And how B just was so overjoyed that I made him jello water and chicken noodle soup. "This is the BEST dinner ever!" And I should just rejoice in the fact that no one has fought today. And that Q was so sweet and helpful for B at 6 in the morning, that I wanted to cry. Seriously, my sister never emptied my barf bucket for me and got me a drink. They really are good little boys. And I see the good. I just cannot shake the fog today. Maybe its from disrupted sleep. Or I'm in the middle of some spiritual warfare. Maybe both.
We talked a lot about spiritual warfare this week in VBS. It was all about the armor of God and how we need to arm ourselves for battle. I'm in it today baby! Struggling to fight the enemy's lies that I suck and will never be a good mom, or wife, or lose weight, etc.
Truth is, I'm in this battle, have been for a while. I used to feel so connected to God's power and spirit and felt invincible. In fact, when I started blogging like 4 years ago, I titled it Living on the Vine and I felt so convicted to blog about my journey and how God was working in my life. I heard his voice (not like in a crazy hearing real voices sort of way), but He spoke to me so clearly through His Word that I was reading on a regular basis. And that's just it. WAS. I'm not in the Word. I'm not connecting to the Vine. I'm not remaining in Him, and I am feeling alone. I'm sure the devil has me where he wants me. or NOT No. Not quite.
So, here I go. Back to battle. I will arm myself today, right now!
Finally, Be Strong in the LORD and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you may take your stand against the devils schemes. Eph. 6:10-11
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
My Baby is One. A letter to the Youngest.
One year. He's so old. I'm mostly sad that this year has flown by. I have very few pictures of this boy. And I have guilt about that. I'm sorry smallest one. I swore it wouldn't happen, but yes, there are significantly less pictures of you than Q.
But little D, you are a sweet sweet boy. You have a great, easy going disposition, and for that I am thankful and grateful, and glad. You're so laid back, you're milestones aren't exactly hit on schedule. But I know you're good, and you'll point and speak with ease in a matter of time. J didn't talk at all till he was two, so maybe you won't say more than "ball" and "bye!" for a while longer. You're great at playing on your own, and have recently started to hold your own when a big brother steals your ball. Just like Q, you love all things balls.
I've been quite reminiscent of you and your birth these last couple weeks or so. I remember lots about you. Like when they were cutting through me during the c-section, they were surprised to see a 'uterine window' where my uterus was stretched so thin, they could see you through it. And how they told me both you and I were so lucky I didn't go into labor. It would have been bad for both of us. And I think of how God protected us both by putting me on restricted activity months before (when we were trying to pack and move), to keep the constant contractions that I was having too soon, at bay. I also remember remarking at how much hair you had when you were first born and how you were the only one who got direct skin to skin time with me almost right away. That was a precious time. You were very alert and got right to eating. You're the only one who didn't have any issues eating. Hooray!
I remember worrying so much before you were born. I worried that I would completely lose my mind with 3 boys and a new baby and a new house. I worried that J would hate me and you. I worried that I wouldn't ever leave the house and that you wouldn't sleep. And I have to say that while some on my worry list did come true, they haven't killed me. Yes, I rarely leave the house alone with everyone, J did hate me for a few weeks, and during some moments, my mind has been lost. But God has proven mighty and good and I have not been overcome by any of these things. You are a sweet boy, and I know God has blessed me beyond the times of overwhelmedness, and is still working in me. You are a joy in our house, and everyone loves you. The big brothers are sweet to you. J calls you his baby or 'his D'. He asks to play with you. Q and B fight who gets to hold you. Its sweet. I pray it remains.
At one year old:
You can crawl now, and pull up to stand. You sleep the night and have eight teeth. You sometimes eat a ton, but sometimes not. You suck your thumb, but only in bed. And you've recently decided that other people besides me and Daddy are OK. I took you to VBS today, and you didn't cling to me and cry when I dropped you off in the nursery. It only made me a little sad.
You loved the beach on vacation and didn't mind to eat buckets of sand. You do not care for pools. You love to be outside and sit in the grass. If I am holding you near the door or window, you like to whine until I submit and take you outside. I like to call you nature boy.
I like to sit and look at you and think of who you'll grow up to be like. I pray you will be like your name sake and be different and fear God, not man. To have great faith and chose right and obey God even when it is difficult.
Happy birthday!!
But little D, you are a sweet sweet boy. You have a great, easy going disposition, and for that I am thankful and grateful, and glad. You're so laid back, you're milestones aren't exactly hit on schedule. But I know you're good, and you'll point and speak with ease in a matter of time. J didn't talk at all till he was two, so maybe you won't say more than "ball" and "bye!" for a while longer. You're great at playing on your own, and have recently started to hold your own when a big brother steals your ball. Just like Q, you love all things balls.
I've been quite reminiscent of you and your birth these last couple weeks or so. I remember lots about you. Like when they were cutting through me during the c-section, they were surprised to see a 'uterine window' where my uterus was stretched so thin, they could see you through it. And how they told me both you and I were so lucky I didn't go into labor. It would have been bad for both of us. And I think of how God protected us both by putting me on restricted activity months before (when we were trying to pack and move), to keep the constant contractions that I was having too soon, at bay. I also remember remarking at how much hair you had when you were first born and how you were the only one who got direct skin to skin time with me almost right away. That was a precious time. You were very alert and got right to eating. You're the only one who didn't have any issues eating. Hooray!
At one year old:
You can crawl now, and pull up to stand. You sleep the night and have eight teeth. You sometimes eat a ton, but sometimes not. You suck your thumb, but only in bed. And you've recently decided that other people besides me and Daddy are OK. I took you to VBS today, and you didn't cling to me and cry when I dropped you off in the nursery. It only made me a little sad.
You loved the beach on vacation and didn't mind to eat buckets of sand. You do not care for pools. You love to be outside and sit in the grass. If I am holding you near the door or window, you like to whine until I submit and take you outside. I like to call you nature boy.
I like to sit and look at you and think of who you'll grow up to be like. I pray you will be like your name sake and be different and fear God, not man. To have great faith and chose right and obey God even when it is difficult.
Happy birthday!!
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