I have recently been wishing I had a reset button. Or a reboot button. A button that would take me back to my factory installed condition, erase my history. To just start over. To start over fresh, without bad habits, bad attitudes, my anger. The anger that sits beneath the surface of my skin every day, waiting to rage out at any infraction someone (most likely, a loved one)can make. I'm tired of it.
Tired of stomping around. Tired of yelling. Tired. Of. Myself.
I don't know what has made me an angry person. I don't have a big event that has caused me to become angry. I could blame my parents, cause that's a popular, acceptable thing to do. But I won't. Its not their fault. They never put me to bed without supper, nor did atrocious things to me. They loved me how they knew how. I WISH I could pass the blame, but I can't, and if I could, I wouldn't. I need to accept responsibility that I have created my own messes and attitudes.
But really, I wish I could start over. Just to get out of the awful lazy habits that I have. And out of the angry habits that I have. Like yelling and stomping my feet and giving people the cold shoulder. (I'm realizing here, I act more like my 3 year old than I should). Breaking habits is impossible for me.
I am reminded that the Bible says nothing is impossible with God, and I can do all things with Christ who gives me strength. I have seen God do the impossible, seen it in my husband, my mom, my friends. I have experienced His awesomeness myself even. But when it comes to this anger that I have, and my habits resulting from this anger, I keep waiting for God to flip the switch in me. Open my eyes and heart and smooth everything over. I know He can do it. Why not right now? Am I not doing something right?
Bleh. Just wish I could not be angry all the time. Or maybe, if I have to be angry, I wish I could just not yell. Or not say dumb things to my dearest patient husband. Or eat a whole batch of cookies.
2 comments:
Sorry, dear sister! I wish I could come and give you a big hug. Isn't it amazing how patient that Father is with us?! Today I had to ask forgiveness of my kids- yet again! Why do I get so frustrated with their fits and yet find myself asking them to forgive me for mine. UGH! "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it."
I feel ya. I know for me, my anger tends to stem from my own superiority complex, which I do blame my father for, lol. I look down on stupid people and their failure to do things the right way (my way) and this makes me feel better about me. But it also makes me fester with constant irritation at their ridiculousness. I do think that God can flip the switch for you, but you know He'd rather make you work for it instead. You have to make the conscious choice, every time. I have to remind myself to have compassion and humility all the time, which is hard because I wasn't raised that way.
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