Before we even had kids, I always said I wanted all boys. I guess its a good thing, cause it seems as that's what we will have. A little girl in the mix would have been great, but I do love having me some dirty, smelly boys in my house.
Last night, after a noisy dinner in which Scott and I both prodded the first born child to eat several times, told the second boy child to slow down and chew and finally finished eating ourselves, we went outback to play. Our after dinner play time is perhaps my favorite time of day. I love it when the weather cooperates for after dinner play time outside. While we wait for Q to finish eating, we clean up then head outside...usually, B is already out there cause you can't hold him back, he loves it outback. Nine times out of 10, we commence with a game of baseball.
Q has always been an avid baseball fan. Seriously, his first word was ball. At age 2 he could hit off a tee like you wouldn't believe (incidentally, as coordinated as B is, he still cannot hit a ball off a tee). So we are most likely playing baseball as a family. Q studies baseball games on T.V., I have to take a video of his skills. When he pitches, he winds up and has the perfect routine when throwing. And he actually has a pretty good arm. We started letting him use a real tee ball instead of a wiffle ball and his accuracy is pretty good. He's learning to catch with a glove on, which is funny cause he's getting over being scared of the ball. He's now learned to keep his eyes open when catching...its pretty funny. While Q pitches to Scott or I, B runs around the outfield chasing the ball, then refuses to relinquish it back to the pitcher. To rectify this situation, we play with approximately 100 balls, well really 4 (cause he can't carry more than 3 at a time). We rotate pitchers and catchers and fielders. Its a blast. I'm a terrible fielder cause I refuse to chase anybody to make an out, but Q is always commenting how good I hit. Yeah that's right, I can hit AND I'm a girl. HA. Lately, my legs get so heavy at night, I sit and play the 'umpire'. Lame and lazy, I know.
We have a little dirt patch in the back by the fence where Scott's smoker killed the grass and it makes the perfect home plate. Q loves to catch and slide into home. B likes to roll around in the dirt there. It makes for a messy game. But I love it. There's something about when a kid comes inside from playing, covered in dirt that secretly delights me. I never care about what gets stained or destroyed by dirt and grime. To me being dirty is evidence of fun. And last night was no exception, I wish I could have taken a picture of our "Pig Pens" after last nights game. B had shed his shorts and was just wearing a onesie (how white trash,I know), and Q was covered head to toe in dusty dirt from home plate. Both were hot sweaty messes, and I could not have been more pleased. They hit the showers and came out squeaky clean and ready for bed.
I love it. Love my boys and am excited for another one to join the mix.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
This and That
Again, I am at home with a vomitous B. It is getting old and I have another GI doc apppointment for him on the 27th. But it gives me reason to put the T.V. on and let them veg while I get my blog on without feeling guilty.
So here's a random post about all sorts of things.
-I called poision control again 2 weeks ago. And get this--I recognized the woman who answered the phone. Her name is Joan. We are becoming fast friends. This time I called because Q shot himself in the eye with aresol sun block. I didn't think I'd need to call the P.C., but the doctor made me do it. My doc's office is always passing the buck.
-Yesterday I started a project which essentially vomitted baby clothes all across my living room. And today, it still looks like that. Piles and piles of baby clothes are strewn about. I'm sorting sizes (cause I wasn't so organized when packing them away after B), and tossing stained stuff, and stuff I just don't like. I have really no idea what to do with them. There are some seasonal clothes I don't think I'll use with this baby, and I'd love to get rid of them too, but neither of my boys followed the same growth curve so I'm not sure if getting rid of them would be benefitial. And for some reason, I have approx one THOUSAND onesies. Really, why I bought so many is beyond me.
-Did I mention that I planted a vegetable garden this year? I use the term 'garden' loosely. Scott built me a 4'X4' raised garden bed and I planted 5 things. Cucumbers, green beans, watermelon, tomatoes and lettuce. Well, apparently 4 of the 5 things just happen to be a ground hogs favorite salad fixins cause I now have only the tomatoes left. The rest are eaten down to the sticks. The lettuce is completely gone. It happened early on, and we put up a little fence around our bitty garden, but it was not enough to stop said ground hog. He's a bold motha too. Sits in my back yard laughing at me. I'm about ready to go Caddy Shack on him. And I thought the bunnies that live out there too would be a problem. Not so.
-Good news. This pregnancy has been all too kind to me. Only 22 weeks in and I have lovely new spider veins and varicos veins on my right leg which are a permanant fixture now. My nose has begun to enlargen already and my hands get tingly when I sleep. I also get completely out of breath walking up our little half flight of steps. I cannot wait to see what the next 18 weeks will provide. I am sleeping beautifully at night though, and I can take a 2 hour nap in the afternoon without any problem sleeping later that night too. That is something different this pregnancy. Usually I have terrible insomnia.
Well, in true B fashion, he's all perked up now and ready to destroy the house. So I better go.
So here's a random post about all sorts of things.
-I called poision control again 2 weeks ago. And get this--I recognized the woman who answered the phone. Her name is Joan. We are becoming fast friends. This time I called because Q shot himself in the eye with aresol sun block. I didn't think I'd need to call the P.C., but the doctor made me do it. My doc's office is always passing the buck.
-Yesterday I started a project which essentially vomitted baby clothes all across my living room. And today, it still looks like that. Piles and piles of baby clothes are strewn about. I'm sorting sizes (cause I wasn't so organized when packing them away after B), and tossing stained stuff, and stuff I just don't like. I have really no idea what to do with them. There are some seasonal clothes I don't think I'll use with this baby, and I'd love to get rid of them too, but neither of my boys followed the same growth curve so I'm not sure if getting rid of them would be benefitial. And for some reason, I have approx one THOUSAND onesies. Really, why I bought so many is beyond me.
-Did I mention that I planted a vegetable garden this year? I use the term 'garden' loosely. Scott built me a 4'X4' raised garden bed and I planted 5 things. Cucumbers, green beans, watermelon, tomatoes and lettuce. Well, apparently 4 of the 5 things just happen to be a ground hogs favorite salad fixins cause I now have only the tomatoes left. The rest are eaten down to the sticks. The lettuce is completely gone. It happened early on, and we put up a little fence around our bitty garden, but it was not enough to stop said ground hog. He's a bold motha too. Sits in my back yard laughing at me. I'm about ready to go Caddy Shack on him. And I thought the bunnies that live out there too would be a problem. Not so.
-Good news. This pregnancy has been all too kind to me. Only 22 weeks in and I have lovely new spider veins and varicos veins on my right leg which are a permanant fixture now. My nose has begun to enlargen already and my hands get tingly when I sleep. I also get completely out of breath walking up our little half flight of steps. I cannot wait to see what the next 18 weeks will provide. I am sleeping beautifully at night though, and I can take a 2 hour nap in the afternoon without any problem sleeping later that night too. That is something different this pregnancy. Usually I have terrible insomnia.
Well, in true B fashion, he's all perked up now and ready to destroy the house. So I better go.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Baby Baby Baby
Last Friday morning we had our 'big' ultrasound in which they measured every bit of 'big fat ham'. We ended up taking both of our children to the event which was fun.
So, we had a very nice ultrasound tech who was fast and informative.
Q has been very open that he wants a baby sister and B is clueless. She determined rather quickly, that we are having another boy! When I announced it to everyone there (she whispered it to me), Q was instantly sad. He turned around and wouldn't watch the screen anymore and would not talk to me or Scott. I felt myself get sad for like 30 seconds at the realization that I would not have a girl in my life, but quickly got over it. I think I was more sad at the fact that I couldn't just go home and donate the 10 boxes of boy baby clothes to someone and just get them out of the house. I was really looking forward to that.
At one point in the ultrasound, I told the tech that I was not convinced that it was another boy and she started laughing and got a 'boy part shot' that was unmistakeable. Truly, even the untrained eye knows what they are looking at. (If I was a good blogger or whatever, I'd figure a way to scan it in and post it.) Afterwards, Q refused to discuss the event and told us that we would "find out tomorrow what it is." Poor kid. It didn't take him too long to come to grips with it though, after naptime, he came down and told Scott and I that "its ok that we're having a boy." I find myself more and more delighted that its another boy. Really.
And before you ask, we have no names in mind. He will probably go to birth day unnamed or referred to as 'big fat ham'. (Incidentally, he's measuring more than a week ahead and 15oz).
So, we had a very nice ultrasound tech who was fast and informative.
Q has been very open that he wants a baby sister and B is clueless. She determined rather quickly, that we are having another boy! When I announced it to everyone there (she whispered it to me), Q was instantly sad. He turned around and wouldn't watch the screen anymore and would not talk to me or Scott. I felt myself get sad for like 30 seconds at the realization that I would not have a girl in my life, but quickly got over it. I think I was more sad at the fact that I couldn't just go home and donate the 10 boxes of boy baby clothes to someone and just get them out of the house. I was really looking forward to that.
At one point in the ultrasound, I told the tech that I was not convinced that it was another boy and she started laughing and got a 'boy part shot' that was unmistakeable. Truly, even the untrained eye knows what they are looking at. (If I was a good blogger or whatever, I'd figure a way to scan it in and post it.) Afterwards, Q refused to discuss the event and told us that we would "find out tomorrow what it is." Poor kid. It didn't take him too long to come to grips with it though, after naptime, he came down and told Scott and I that "its ok that we're having a boy." I find myself more and more delighted that its another boy. Really.
And before you ask, we have no names in mind. He will probably go to birth day unnamed or referred to as 'big fat ham'. (Incidentally, he's measuring more than a week ahead and 15oz).
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Stating the Obvious
Cancer Sucks.
My mom was recently diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Thankfully, they caught it really early. It is a stage 1c cancer, whatever that is, but its good when it comes to cancer. Especially ovarian cancer since really there's no test for it, and really, no symptoms until its too late. It was a long and really cool story on how they found it. I know God was directing this whole thing. I have a peace about it, but I'm sad that my mom has to endure it.
So yesterday, I went with my mom to her first chemotherapy treatment and discovered somethings. They may be quite obvious:
1. The oncology waiting room, is a scary scary place. It doesn't have to be, but it was yesterday. My mom is most afraid of like 2 symptoms. Her port getting infected (her cousin died from an infected port), and losing feeling in her feet--neuropathy.
So while waiting in the waiting room, two women start swapping stories of their symptoms rather indiscreetly. And of course, they had awful stories of how you guessed it, one's port got infected and when they placed another one in, they punctured her lung and ended up in the hospital for 8 days. And then she talked about how numb her hands and feet were. I was freaked. My mom was freaked, we exchanged the deer-in-the-headlights look to each other and wished they'd shut up. I didn't want to hear anymore. I'm sure my mom didn't want to hear anymore.
2. The treatment room is scary scary place too. Its a large, long room with recliners lined up. When we got there about 6 people were already lined up getting treatment. It was amazing to me that cancer spares no one. There were a lot of women my age, men, old women, middle-aged women, young men getting treatment. I knew that you can have cancer at any age, but it really hit home when I saw 3 women my age in there for treatment. In and out all day were such an array of people. A couple of hours into treatment, an older woman was wheeled in, he face was fallen on one side and she could not walk. The nurses were shocked that she was in a wheelchair, turns out, she did not have a stroke, NOPE. It was from the side effects, neuropathy to be exact.
3. The nurses in the oncology office are NOT scary. They are awesome. So nice, so informative and caring.
4. Treatment for cancer is a scary scary thing. They pump you FULL of toxic chemicals to destroy rapidly producing cells. The side-effect list is scary; pain, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, hair loss, fingernails turning black and falling out, neuropathy, metal mouth, fatigue, to name just some.
My mom was there for 5 hours getting treatment, most people were in and out within and hour. It was a longer treatment cause it was her first, but she'll still have longer treatments than most because of the type of cancer she has.
I'm not fully freaked out yet by all this. I'm sure its because I haven't seen her symptomatic and suffering from the treatment. I hope and pray that God will be merciful and spare her the worst of the side effects. I'm anxious to see His glory through this whole thing. I know he has an amazing plan, and can't wait to see it unfold. I already know He's in it, I can see some threads of His grace and love already.
My mom was recently diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Thankfully, they caught it really early. It is a stage 1c cancer, whatever that is, but its good when it comes to cancer. Especially ovarian cancer since really there's no test for it, and really, no symptoms until its too late. It was a long and really cool story on how they found it. I know God was directing this whole thing. I have a peace about it, but I'm sad that my mom has to endure it.
So yesterday, I went with my mom to her first chemotherapy treatment and discovered somethings. They may be quite obvious:
1. The oncology waiting room, is a scary scary place. It doesn't have to be, but it was yesterday. My mom is most afraid of like 2 symptoms. Her port getting infected (her cousin died from an infected port), and losing feeling in her feet--neuropathy.
So while waiting in the waiting room, two women start swapping stories of their symptoms rather indiscreetly. And of course, they had awful stories of how you guessed it, one's port got infected and when they placed another one in, they punctured her lung and ended up in the hospital for 8 days. And then she talked about how numb her hands and feet were. I was freaked. My mom was freaked, we exchanged the deer-in-the-headlights look to each other and wished they'd shut up. I didn't want to hear anymore. I'm sure my mom didn't want to hear anymore.
2. The treatment room is scary scary place too. Its a large, long room with recliners lined up. When we got there about 6 people were already lined up getting treatment. It was amazing to me that cancer spares no one. There were a lot of women my age, men, old women, middle-aged women, young men getting treatment. I knew that you can have cancer at any age, but it really hit home when I saw 3 women my age in there for treatment. In and out all day were such an array of people. A couple of hours into treatment, an older woman was wheeled in, he face was fallen on one side and she could not walk. The nurses were shocked that she was in a wheelchair, turns out, she did not have a stroke, NOPE. It was from the side effects, neuropathy to be exact.
3. The nurses in the oncology office are NOT scary. They are awesome. So nice, so informative and caring.
4. Treatment for cancer is a scary scary thing. They pump you FULL of toxic chemicals to destroy rapidly producing cells. The side-effect list is scary; pain, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, hair loss, fingernails turning black and falling out, neuropathy, metal mouth, fatigue, to name just some.
My mom was there for 5 hours getting treatment, most people were in and out within and hour. It was a longer treatment cause it was her first, but she'll still have longer treatments than most because of the type of cancer she has.
I'm not fully freaked out yet by all this. I'm sure its because I haven't seen her symptomatic and suffering from the treatment. I hope and pray that God will be merciful and spare her the worst of the side effects. I'm anxious to see His glory through this whole thing. I know he has an amazing plan, and can't wait to see it unfold. I already know He's in it, I can see some threads of His grace and love already.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
This and That
Because I'm stuck at home with a vomitous child, I will post a post about nothing in particular.
About 2 weeks ago, I washed my iPod. Correction. Since I don't do our laundry, technically Scott washed it, but since I left it in my pants pocket, I washed it. (And not to nit pick, but I know if he left his in his pocket, and I washed it, I would have been the guilty party). Anyway. I let it dry out and it still works, but only if plugged in or docked. I guess that's better than nothing. I'm sad, cause I do love that piece of modern technology and its less than 6months old. I love to put the headphones in and tune out...
My anatomy ultrasound in which we hope to discover what gender the thing lurking in my uterus is, is scheduled for next Friday. I cannot decide whether or not I would really want a girl child in this house. I think it would be great fun to have a little girly thing here to dress in cute clothes, but she would look like a ragamuffin no matter what. I cannot do hair and I tend to dress my boys in mismatched socks which I feel is totally unacceptable for a girl. Who knows what she'd leave the house in...
I think a girl would be great up until puberty. Do you remember what it was like to be 12-19 and a girl? I was and still am, pretty hormonally driven and I would be scared to see how the two of us would interact. I'm still trying to do the math to see if I would actually still be at an age where PMS would figure into the equation at the same time as this perspective girl.
I would however, love to have a girl later in life to chat with and discuss how gross the brothers and father Milli tend to be. And I think I would need a girl to make sure that they put me in a nicer nursing home.
I'm so scared to actually be a godly role model for another female, but I do know that if God chose for us to raise a girl, he'd give me what it takes to do so. Its still a scary thought in my head.
I know whatever is in there, boy or girl, I will love and will screw up mothering in some aspect. So bring it! I can't wait to meet it, and am starting to really look forward to nursing and have a teensy thing to hold that doesn't blatantly disobey and laugh while doing so.
B is definitely testing every one's patience these days by expressing his dislike for things in tantrum form. He's definitely hit that defiance/terrible 2 stage. It's fun times. I don't remember if Q went thru a stage like this and if he did, I blocked it from my memory.
Q has moved into a stage of potty mouth. And it is sooo funny, and hard not to laugh at such behavior. I feel terrible disciplining him for it, cause I feel like I started it. I actually taught him the potty words to God Bless America a loooong time ago and was shocked when he started singing them. The words are going thru my head as I type....god bless my underwear...
I'm a terrible mom.
We are at the second week of no school or any other type regularly scheduled activities and I'm scrambling to find something to do everyday. Any ideas?
About 2 weeks ago, I washed my iPod. Correction. Since I don't do our laundry, technically Scott washed it, but since I left it in my pants pocket, I washed it. (And not to nit pick, but I know if he left his in his pocket, and I washed it, I would have been the guilty party). Anyway. I let it dry out and it still works, but only if plugged in or docked. I guess that's better than nothing. I'm sad, cause I do love that piece of modern technology and its less than 6months old. I love to put the headphones in and tune out...
My anatomy ultrasound in which we hope to discover what gender the thing lurking in my uterus is, is scheduled for next Friday. I cannot decide whether or not I would really want a girl child in this house. I think it would be great fun to have a little girly thing here to dress in cute clothes, but she would look like a ragamuffin no matter what. I cannot do hair and I tend to dress my boys in mismatched socks which I feel is totally unacceptable for a girl. Who knows what she'd leave the house in...
I think a girl would be great up until puberty. Do you remember what it was like to be 12-19 and a girl? I was and still am, pretty hormonally driven and I would be scared to see how the two of us would interact. I'm still trying to do the math to see if I would actually still be at an age where PMS would figure into the equation at the same time as this perspective girl.
I would however, love to have a girl later in life to chat with and discuss how gross the brothers and father Milli tend to be. And I think I would need a girl to make sure that they put me in a nicer nursing home.
I'm so scared to actually be a godly role model for another female, but I do know that if God chose for us to raise a girl, he'd give me what it takes to do so. Its still a scary thought in my head.
I know whatever is in there, boy or girl, I will love and will screw up mothering in some aspect. So bring it! I can't wait to meet it, and am starting to really look forward to nursing and have a teensy thing to hold that doesn't blatantly disobey and laugh while doing so.
B is definitely testing every one's patience these days by expressing his dislike for things in tantrum form. He's definitely hit that defiance/terrible 2 stage. It's fun times. I don't remember if Q went thru a stage like this and if he did, I blocked it from my memory.
Q has moved into a stage of potty mouth. And it is sooo funny, and hard not to laugh at such behavior. I feel terrible disciplining him for it, cause I feel like I started it. I actually taught him the potty words to God Bless America a loooong time ago and was shocked when he started singing them. The words are going thru my head as I type....god bless my underwear...
I'm a terrible mom.
We are at the second week of no school or any other type regularly scheduled activities and I'm scrambling to find something to do everyday. Any ideas?
Sunday, June 6, 2010
A Reunion
Scott and I went to a reunion last night. We both refused to go to our high school reunion, but get this. We went to his ELEMENTARY school reunion last night. Scott went to a small Christian school from kindergarten to 8th grade and he knew these people better than I know some of my current friends. It was an interesting night. On the 40minute ride to the bar/restaurant we met at, Scott filled me in on the 24 people that we went to school with. It was crazy the details he knew on these people. He knew about most of their families, their parents occupations and so much stuff I could never have told you about my elementary school buddies. Since Scott was so close to his classmates and spent so much time with them, he was eager to reunite, so we went.
It was interesting to find out that two of his classmates could NOT make it cause they were incarcerated. I also noted that maybe one other person was a 'church goer' (I cannot account for her salvation, but one admitted that she still went to church). Most of them made fun of their Christian schooling and mocked the fact that they were living in opposition of how the school taught them about Jesus. It was a little sad to hear some of their mockery of the faith. I will admit that I don't know where their hearts were, but it just proved to me that Christian Schooling does NOT equal a Christian kid. But it may go to prove the statistic I recently heard that 65% of teenagers deny faith in Christ in college (that was from my BIL when they went to visit a Christian university w/ my niece). Scary.
You know what also struck me as I watched people filter in to the restaurant? That these people were OLD. Then of course it dawned on me that I'm the exact same age. Do I look that old? Am I really over 30? Seriously, I was thinking that wow...she looks old. I had no idea that I look that old. I guess it goes to explain why I get called 'ma'am' now, instead of 'miss'.
One girl or should I say woman was 8 months pregnant with her first baby. She looked at me and said, "is this your first?" "No, this is my 3rd." Her eyes about popped out of her head. "Third?! I cannot imagine having 3 kids at this stage in my life." Well, guess what? I did not say this, but I can't imagine just getting started w/ kids now. I felt like I spent the whole evening defending or pretending that 3 kids IS crazy and what were we thinking. (I do admit that I sometimes feel like that as well, but is 3 kids really that off the wall?--I'm still trying to decide).
In all, it was a very interesting evening. I got some interesting tid bits of info about my dearest as well. Like he used to fart in class and wave his hands in the air and say "Share the air people, share the air." He denies it, but I can hear him saying it.
It was interesting to find out that two of his classmates could NOT make it cause they were incarcerated. I also noted that maybe one other person was a 'church goer' (I cannot account for her salvation, but one admitted that she still went to church). Most of them made fun of their Christian schooling and mocked the fact that they were living in opposition of how the school taught them about Jesus. It was a little sad to hear some of their mockery of the faith. I will admit that I don't know where their hearts were, but it just proved to me that Christian Schooling does NOT equal a Christian kid. But it may go to prove the statistic I recently heard that 65% of teenagers deny faith in Christ in college (that was from my BIL when they went to visit a Christian university w/ my niece). Scary.
You know what also struck me as I watched people filter in to the restaurant? That these people were OLD. Then of course it dawned on me that I'm the exact same age. Do I look that old? Am I really over 30? Seriously, I was thinking that wow...she looks old. I had no idea that I look that old. I guess it goes to explain why I get called 'ma'am' now, instead of 'miss'.
One girl or should I say woman was 8 months pregnant with her first baby. She looked at me and said, "is this your first?" "No, this is my 3rd." Her eyes about popped out of her head. "Third?! I cannot imagine having 3 kids at this stage in my life." Well, guess what? I did not say this, but I can't imagine just getting started w/ kids now. I felt like I spent the whole evening defending or pretending that 3 kids IS crazy and what were we thinking. (I do admit that I sometimes feel like that as well, but is 3 kids really that off the wall?--I'm still trying to decide).
In all, it was a very interesting evening. I got some interesting tid bits of info about my dearest as well. Like he used to fart in class and wave his hands in the air and say "Share the air people, share the air." He denies it, but I can hear him saying it.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
It's All About Me
I have come to the gruesome reality that it isn't all about me. I still try to claim that it is. I have had some serious scales removed from my eyes revealing how much I think that it SHOULD be about me and how much I still live to keep myself happy as a main motivation. I hate to say it, but I've know it for a while. I. Am. Selfish.
I had been praying for the better parts of a year that God would empty me of my self and help me to put aside my dreadful shelfishness and fill me with His love so that I could freely show his love to others. And its interesting. Shortly after praying this, I became pregnant. To be honest, I wasn't completely overjoyed to learn this news and the thoughts came into my head..."oh stink. I have to nurse another one, and get fat and get up in the middle of the night and the youngeset now is just getting to a good age and more independent and sleeping thru the night and now, I just, argh...." Don't judge. I'm completely happy that our family is expanding. But those thoughts overwhelm me at times. I can't wait to hold a baby baby again. Can't wait to introduce he/she to the other two, and to watch Scott with a baby.
Anyway. I thought it was kinda funny the timing of this pregnancy. Then in my Moms to Mom's biblestudy, our regular study finished up and we still had 6weeks to fill, so we decided to do the Love Dare. Ah, the Love Dare. Initially, I thought, whatever, I have this covered, my marriage is good. I'm happy. With the first meeting we were challenged with this verse.
"Put the interest of others before your own interests." Phil. 2:4
And then I actually started reading the Love Dare and I was befuddled to think, I actually do suck pretty bad when it comes to marriage. One of the dares was to buy something for your loved one, a small token or gesture to show them that you're thinking of them. Easy right? Wrong. My immediate thought was, "HA! I'm not doing that." Scott is the WORST person to buy anything for. He doesn't appreciate anything, and why would I go out of my way to do something nice if he doesn't even care.
What is wrong with me? Should I only try to do something 'nice' if it somehow benefits me? Dare after dare was like this. Just pointing out my selfishness and ugliness. Its not destroying me, and I'm not devestated by this news (and I'm sure that its because God is a gentle corrector and knew the right time to start working on this with me), just shocked at how every aspect of my actions are based on me. I don't think I truly thought I was that selfish. I have become more and more aware of how my anger is associated with me not getting my way. Especially with my kids. I immediately start ranting and yelling when Q disobeys because I'm not getting my way. So, I know I need improvement in that area.
With all the sin exposed to me now that I'm so selfish, I'm praying for more opportunity to serve and further empty myself.
Praying for humbleness, and gentleness (something I am totally not know for) and ways to show love and kindness to others.
"Be completley humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."
Ephesians 4:2
I had been praying for the better parts of a year that God would empty me of my self and help me to put aside my dreadful shelfishness and fill me with His love so that I could freely show his love to others. And its interesting. Shortly after praying this, I became pregnant. To be honest, I wasn't completely overjoyed to learn this news and the thoughts came into my head..."oh stink. I have to nurse another one, and get fat and get up in the middle of the night and the youngeset now is just getting to a good age and more independent and sleeping thru the night and now, I just, argh...." Don't judge. I'm completely happy that our family is expanding. But those thoughts overwhelm me at times. I can't wait to hold a baby baby again. Can't wait to introduce he/she to the other two, and to watch Scott with a baby.
Anyway. I thought it was kinda funny the timing of this pregnancy. Then in my Moms to Mom's biblestudy, our regular study finished up and we still had 6weeks to fill, so we decided to do the Love Dare. Ah, the Love Dare. Initially, I thought, whatever, I have this covered, my marriage is good. I'm happy. With the first meeting we were challenged with this verse.
"Put the interest of others before your own interests." Phil. 2:4
And then I actually started reading the Love Dare and I was befuddled to think, I actually do suck pretty bad when it comes to marriage. One of the dares was to buy something for your loved one, a small token or gesture to show them that you're thinking of them. Easy right? Wrong. My immediate thought was, "HA! I'm not doing that." Scott is the WORST person to buy anything for. He doesn't appreciate anything, and why would I go out of my way to do something nice if he doesn't even care.
What is wrong with me? Should I only try to do something 'nice' if it somehow benefits me? Dare after dare was like this. Just pointing out my selfishness and ugliness. Its not destroying me, and I'm not devestated by this news (and I'm sure that its because God is a gentle corrector and knew the right time to start working on this with me), just shocked at how every aspect of my actions are based on me. I don't think I truly thought I was that selfish. I have become more and more aware of how my anger is associated with me not getting my way. Especially with my kids. I immediately start ranting and yelling when Q disobeys because I'm not getting my way. So, I know I need improvement in that area.
With all the sin exposed to me now that I'm so selfish, I'm praying for more opportunity to serve and further empty myself.
Praying for humbleness, and gentleness (something I am totally not know for) and ways to show love and kindness to others.
"Be completley humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."
Ephesians 4:2
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